I wonder if planes ever get speeding tickets? SHUT UP! American Skyways Welcome to American Skyways! We’re happy to have you on board. I’m your captain, and I’ll be taking you through the basic safety procedures of this here aircraft. Let’s go! So… Everyone thinks flying is a happy time, right fellas? Guy in blue shirt: Right! Captain: Wrong! It’s very serious business with danger lurking around every corner! At any given moment you can be sucked out the window and you’ll die by either freezing to death or you’ll asphyxiate from lack of oxygen. Then your lifeless body will plummet 40,000 feet to the ground and shatter into a million pieces. Or… You’ll fly out the other way and be sucked into deep space where your body will never be found by your family EVER! So let’s talk about safety, shall we? Seat Belts. What’s your name, son? Guy in seat: My name’s Michael Jackson If you don’t know how to use a seat belt by now, you’re *bleep*ed. But, I’m required by law to show you how. So, you take one end of the seat belt. Then, you take the other. And then, you jam them together, like so. The restroom. *Knocking* Michael Jackson: Hurry up, I’m prairie-dogging! *Knocking* Captain: It isn’t safe for passengers to form a line out here in front of the lavatory. So there’s now a 30 second time limit in there. Michael Jackson: Wait, wait, what? Captain: Best hurry up, time’s already ticking, partner! Michael Jackson: Oh crap! Captain: Oh! And going number 2 is no longer permitted. Michael Jackson: What?!? When did that rule take effect?!? Captain: Uhh.. Ten seconds! Michael Jackson: Oh God! That’s not enough time! Captain: Security! *Police Sirens* Security Guard 1: We got a guy taking a code 2! Security Guard 2: Prepare pull out! Security Guard 1: Pull out! Michael Jackson: What, what are you doing? what are you doing?! No! No! Nooo! *Electrocution noises* Oxygen masks. Captain: If cabin pressure changes, the panels above your head will open to reveal oxygen masks. Pull the mask over your head and breathe normally. *Heavy breathing* Oxygen is flowing though, so don’t worry if the bag doesn’t inflate. Just kidding. They’re all broken. (muffled screaming) In case of a
life-threatening emergency, there are emergency exits to your left. In case of
a hunger emergency, there are salad to your right. To prevent a terrorist hijacking, be sure
to alert a crew member of any minorities you see on the plane. Now, that’s f–ked up. In the event of a water landing… (cracks up) All right, let’s face it.
We’d all die. (chuckles) In the event the plane becomes overrun with snakes, be
sure you have a black guy on board to exclaim how tired he is of said snakes. GA-WHAT?! Smoking is not allowed on this plane. All
planes have very terrible gas leaks and will explode if someone were to light a
match. Huh? (boom!) (heavy gasp) You okay, man? I just had this vision where someone lit a match and
the plane exploded. Huh? (boom!) To see bloopers and this… (screaming) …click the video right here. Oh! Whoa! Click the subscribe button to get a free mustache ride. (chuckles) Not really. I don’t
really give those out for free. It costs 10 bucks.

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